Today we had a blowup at home. My daughter, nine, was struggling with her temper, upset because I had to brush her hair in a hurry and it was massively tangled and she wasn't allowed to play online this morning. She was apparently tired and cranky too.

(She has ODD.) She hit me twice and also twice dumped my office garbage all over the floor, banged around, threatening to leave for school without me, etc.

I spent three hours on the phone w/my T today and I feel maybe 5% better, not a good return on investment.

I am feeling BLEAK. My work is stressful, 60 hours a week, my f/t online college program has gotten complicated because five classes changed from structured, normal classes with teaching to independent study, my husband woke up on the wrong side of the bed, my finances are depressing, I had another nightmare visit at the dentist last night, and it turns out the career I'm pursuing might be much more of a dead end than I'd hoped. And I'm significantly sleep deprived.

What am I doing wrong you guys?

Lay it on me.

It's hard to say "Oh, I'm just having a bad day." Bad day doesn't sum it up right. Because bad day implies tomorrow will be better, but it won't be all better.

I am typically optimistic and confident. Not so much right now. I want to sleep. I want to sleep for a week. I need to, but I can't. I'm busy dealing with my daughter threatening me, acting as if she'll throw things at me, slamming around.

I am so drained.

My therapist says I'm a very good, loving mother and when I explained the whole rolling nightmare this morning, she tried to help me brainstorm solutions, which sounded like Greek to me, because as she finally figured out, I'm feeling too emotionally raw to put my heart into things like, trim her hair shorter or think practically. Though I did plan to take her tonight for a trim as she said she wanted to, but has now changed her mind.

My therapist says today was a fluke. But working too hard isn't a fluke, and my student loan isn't a fluke, and my bills aren't flukes, and being tied to my family isn't a fluke, and not knowing if I can possibly get a new job and earn a decent living without working 60/h a week is not a fluke. I wanted a career. Maybe am being way too idealistic. Looks like my options are a career at half my current wage or another job administrating someone else's dream, which pays but isn't fulfilling. (I'd be more optimistic if I had more than 2 minutes a week to think about transitioning.)

My kingdom for some good counsel. (In fact.... my kingdom for free to anyone foolish enough to want it!)

And someone tell me why I'm too stupid to say F-it to work tonight and go to bed at a decent hour. I work til 10pm typically and start again at 5am, but I need a break. Where is my F-it impulse when I need it. I wish I were disciplined, or am I disciplined enough but trying to do far too much. Or both.

I was literally tempted to quit my job today, and that's a scary thought. Quitting would be so unwise but feel SO good.

(and it's my fault, of course, that her hair was tangled, because I didn't make enough time for it. I try hard to prioritize, but I blew that one.)