Yeah a lot of people think I'm making this stuff up, but it's hard to explain it's just how it is. I used to have a social worker, I do not anymore. I'm trying to get my previous balance in check with insurance so I can have my future copays being paid through a disability place so I can just go to appointments regularly.

My parents lost financially stability from the economic collapse our home was robbed by the banks with illegal mortgage rate increases. I've been working hard at my job at mcdonalds just to pay to get my music equipment to get my passion going. It's hard when now, I have sps to do basic things sometimes. I get scared a lot that it will all end in my mobility and that I have no chance in doing what I want.

I had hope, for having a close female friend who be with me who knows me more than me, a long term friendship, not a girlfriend, or a significant other, but someone who takes their time to see me and likes how I am different like most of my close friends do, but embrace what I don't see in myself let me have a better self confidence.

I dream about memories, and experiences, to escape this pain. I'm like in a jekkel and hyde reality. It's extremely euphoric, but the other face when I look the other way the same room or area I am at will look much more terrifying. My hallucinations adapt to this, but it's like a story or I feel like I'm an important character in a novel, movie, idea, or someone who is destined to do great things, but has to conquer there own fears and issues. I dream and idolize this stuff at times to escape my reality. Sometimes, I feel like I'm constantly in a fairy tale or dream, when I talk to people, they get confused of course think I'm high or something, but I'm not here at the moment.

My imagination is extremely powerful it's the only thing that's kept me alive. It's like I can make any situation comfortable. I was left outside crying in the rain after making plans and they fell apart. I was left to be semi homeless in the hood of my city. It was raining, but I huddled under cover and just looked out at the reflections of the water and imagining what it is like to be water or I focus on being in a movie watching sequence of things in front of me when I watch people interact at times.

It's very intense and confusing when I go through it 24/7 and it's what separates me from other people with psychosis/ schizophrenia/ and any other mind altering experiences. Like I can feel like I am falling in a black hole and visually see it the depth the towering presence of warped reality from above and below and then flashes back into the room I was just experiencing it.

I do work with social services btw, that's who are going to pay my future copays, but I need to get the previous balance from 187 in check. My current therapist worked with me when I was 14. She has been my favorite, because she has many qualities people overlook when they look for a therapist. She is none the less good at what she does, but even though she is younger, many people advise she may lack the years of insight of working with people in her case proved to be not true.
I found that older people I work with are so close headed and stubborn they lose patience with you very fast with anything. Mostly unexciting to talk to and prefer to make you into something you're not.

She made me feel safe, but yes she may be physically attractive to people in general. I am not into her that's not the issue, she is a perfect candidate for me to do mental experimentation with my phobias. She knows it, I know mental health on a scale of people with schooling spent years to know. I had to know it since I was a very young boy. It's not that I know, I can feel the perceptions and understand what it's like, even when I don't have it. Sadly it's hard to explain, but when I tell that person what I'm feeling they relate to me immediately, but I had not trauma or anything they've experienced and I know it and feel it and lived it in my heart.

See I like to be with females, but I fear them as well. I feel that I am more naive in emotions and trying to have relationships with people is so difficult. I am shy under my skin of confidence of being just friendly not flirtatious. I wanted to show that I can here her thoughts on how I need to find what I want, because my friendships are nice, but what I want is not in reality. Sometimes I feel like I am losing my mind when I want to feel safe and happy and not knowing if I am ever going to understand feel what most people I grew up with in school understood.

My sister has an understanding of both pain hardship, but her happiness radiates and people flocked to her, because of her looks and coolness persona. When it comes to me, I get an melancholic answers and people lack emotion around me.
What I wanted all my life is the popularity that validation that my sister has from all the people who support her.
Sometimes when I'm sad I pretend I'm invisible a ghost among the crowd of pedestrians and the world and using anonymity to my advantage feeling like I'm in a forest or in an adventure as an assassin or something cool like a ninja.

See deep down my inner child is more open and people don't understand because they got old and boring. I'm still a child at heart at 20. Many days, I wish I could never age, because I could just play every day live life without the fear and having confidence of wanting to see people like I used to. I embrace that side of me, because that's who I want to be, but deep down I'm more than alone. I feel like a face in many faces, I don't want to be the best in the world, I want to be the best me and hope it means something to people.

I'd like imagine what kind of woman I'd like to be, because I'd be happy trying on makeup and being myself as a woman. I show dominance all the time, but it's just me angry and all I want people is to get away after they show me how they like to push themselves on people and make their home in mind my trying to push me into what they see in everyone else, but what puts every person off about me. I like the flaws in everyone, I like the beauty, I like the things that are quirky and peculiar. I like the whole picture, but when I try to tell this to someone I like. They run away, because they always say you're a really awesome guy, but you're not my type.
So to avoid being hurt or people saying mean things, I just talk to people and try to avoid people in a sense that I want to not be in the here and now in the real world. I want to be in the here and now in my world.