I'm bipolar but I can relate to a lot of what you said. My crashes have been severe at times and I got the same negative feed back a lot of people get. You can't just pull yourself together. It took a lot for me to get help because of the stigma associated with mental illnesses. But I did before I reached the point of action. I've had to hospitalize myself as well. It's always an option. There are also a lot of resources you can find here.