I'm so overwhelmed right now. We're digging into ... stuff ... I never ever wanted to consider in my therapy sessions. We had a partial session today (therapist had an unexpected home emergency) and we're going to finish up tomorrow. I've already been thinking too much about my ex and everything he did to me lately, therapist wants to delve deeper into that and some other stuff with my mother's ex boyfriend who we lived with growing up. I don't want to think about it, I've consciously repressed it for years, barely even mentioned it to previous therapists even, but I know I have to. I've spent the last hour just staring at the floor overwhelmed with thoughts and connections and memories and.

I can't make myself eat. I want to scream, I want to cry, I want to cut, I want to purge, I can't do any of those things I'm just a shell all I can do is play my music as loud as I can (not as loud as I want the neighbors are sleeping).

There's something I have to tell him tomorrow, and I don't want to, and I know what he's going to say about it. I'm going to be even worse tomorrow. I walked home from session with that feeling like I'm covered in wax, everything's going to be ok I can smile life is wonderful but also I want to shred my skin and bleed and die and scream I want to be inside out. It's going to be even worse tomorrow.

I'm going to need company tomorrow. If I can't get a friend to spend the evening with me I'm probably going to waste all my pay-as-go minutes on a hotline. This is going to be bad.