Glad you found this site. That fact that you posted here and told us about yourself means something. We will read it and relate and understand.

I am a recovering/ recovered alcoholic and I used alcohol for a long time to self medicate. It actually worked for a long time. When I was very depressed and drank to try to escape it only made me suicidal. I drank mostly when I was doing pretty good but it was how I coped with life. Needless to say it made things much much worse in the end. I would encourage you to keep going to the counselor or find another one you can work with and build trust. There is always a spark of hope we have to cling to even if we are not aware of it.