Hi surfacetoair, I'm sorry things have been so hard for you lately, it must be really tough for you feeling out of control of things/feelings/thoughts at times. But it is really good that you're holding onto some real insight into what's going on and wanting help with it.
And I've got to agree with you, it would be good if you could tell your T or your pdoc about what's going on, and if they were to get ansty then that's their problem not yours they should still help you with what's going on although they should be understanding and supportive. They should have helped plenty of people with issues like yours so they should have have plenty of insight about how to best help you.
So real kudos to you on telling them as much as you have already, but if you could just tell them a bit more???
And the not taking your lithium..........well you know that really isn't a good idea if it's prescribed, but I'm sure you have real reasons e.g. worry about side effects, the way it may make you feel, the way it may stop you feeling...........?????
So maybe just be straight up with him about the reasons you have problems with taking it, he should understand those reasons because other people can struggle with it too. And then maybe he can support you a little more in making those decisions about taking it, help you feel more comfortable in taking it??
And if you were taking it but stopped because...........there can still be options e.g. adding a medication to help with side effects, changing the times of day you're taking it, giving you higher doses to take but less frequently or lower doses to take more frequently...........
And hey, never feel hypocritical about posting on here
What's going on for you/how you're feeling is important!! So as much as you feel able to say, hey??
Alison