Today I was down and out this morning. I gave in to an obsessive thought about infidelity. I felt guilty and ashamed for wanting to be certain of the uncertain. I have finally realized that I was in denial about things. I feel a lot better frankly opening up about no longer denying what is going on with me. The truth is, the OCD Persona is the opposite of me and I don't want to dislike her anymore. In fact, I realize that the OCD is not about what the Persona says, but about me. I have tried to fight the urge to perform a compulsion and not let the obsessive thought worry me. But today it did and now I feel worse for seeming to not being as honest as I wished as I had been. I have been dealing with denial and obsessive thoughts for many years. I have grown tired of fighting. I have to learn to just accept the fact that I want to embrace it and not always fight who I am. My view of the world is different from what happens in the real world and I believe that is the real issue. I guess I need to work on that issue before I can learn to handle anything else, including the avoidance factor. I do feel like a hypocrite because I judge wives who cheat but not husbands who do the same thing. I have my crazy views and opinions on things and I wonder what else I have to deal with. I realize that I am getting better but I am not getting better at the same time.