Yes, LCM is not a real T nor my real T and I need to find a real T. I'm working on it. I asked my DBT T today for a new batch of referrals, LCM tried to help me find names today too. It's still something I am working on.

So today, I saw LCM. We were having a lighthearted conversation and I asked for a hug. It fit into the discussion.

She said "I only hug you when you need one. It isn't something that we just do now"
Me: "I do need one."
LCM: "haha why?"
Me: "because no one ever hugs me"

This led into a discussion about my friends and eventually into my sexuality. Not really sexuality like gender preference but whether or not I want a boyfriend someday and my nervousness about sex. I have this weird thing where I either feel totally okay with never being in a relationship and never having sex or I'm extremely upset about it. I actually think I might be just trying to make myself think that I don't want a relationship because I think no one will ever want me. Plus I'm avoiding working out the issue I have where I deeply want to have sex and be sexual but I'm so deathly afraid of it that I don't want anything to do with it.

Then she said "now you deserve a hug and hugged me"
Me: "wait so I didn't deserve a hug when you implied that I didn't need one?"
LCM: "that's not what I meant"
Me: "that's what you said. What's the deal? Can you please not be so touch and go with this?"
LCM: "you're right. I need to think about it. Let's talk about it next time?"
Me: "please do think about it because I feel very confused"

I guess I just felt horrible about the whole thing partially because thinking about my lack of a sex life and being completely devoid of any romantic love upsets me plus and she made me feel like I have to earn her love. I know that isn't true because she hugged me when she had the urge to hug me. She felt pain for me when I talked about my issues surrounding relationships so she wanted to hug me. She didn't want to hug me before because she didn't feel that. But that's not what I felt. My actual mother would make me earn her love with grades and stuff. Feeling like I have to earn her love too was upsetting.

I know I'm just going to get people responding by saying she sucks and hurts me too much and I need to get rid of her. That's not going to happen and I don't know why I'm even posting about her. I guess I just want to talk about it. Sorry (not at all sorry) if some of you think I need more of a reason to post than just wanting to.