(Trigger warning, for all that may suffer from intrusive thoughts or obsessive-compulsive disorder)
Hey, everyone.
This is my second post on this forum, I believe, so forgive me if I'm not too well acquainted with the rules on posting. I digress; the reason that I am writing today is because I've been suffering from intrusive thoughts. This may be a long post, but I'm in need of some help and I can't stress this enough -
I am becoming incapacitated because of the way my thoughts are. I'd like to also state what I've been diagnosed with, as of this year, if that's all right. I think that, sometimes, these things can alter my train of thought and make me think the way I'm thinking now - or maybe these diagnoses lead up to me becoming "crazy".
- Borderline Schizoid Personality Disorder
- Avoidant Personality Disorder
- Obsessive-compulsive disorder
- Manic Depression (Bipolar Disorder)
- Depersonalization Disorder
I'll start with the beginning; a few days ago. I had watched the movie
American Psycho (for all who don't know, and I apologize if this may be triggering, but it's about a psychopath who basically just goes around killing people.) At least, that's the only relevant part to this story and I. Now, just to clarify, I had suffered from intrusive thoughts before so I thought that maybe I could watch this movie without falling into a spiral like I have now. Unfortunately, as you can clearly see, I am not well and therefore I'm not able to watch these movies as I had thought prior to my intrusive thoughts. In any case, I ended up watching the movie a few days ago with my girlfriend and it triggered something. I remember, after my girlfriend had gone to sleep, getting on my computer and typing to my friend. He's always there when I need him and pretty smart when it comes to this stuff; I told him about the situation and this is what I said:
Quote:
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After watching American Psycho, I am afraid. I feel as though I have these intrusive thoughts of hurting and killing other people, but don't quite feel the remorse that I should. I don't feel like I'm the kind of person to take someone's life, but thinking about doing such a thing doesn't exactly make me feel either or - I feel emotionless, which isn't typically the response you would get out of a healthy individual thinking the thoughts. Usually it's remorse, cringe, wince - these types of intrusive thoughts, in others, make people vomit in their mouth because of how horrifying they can truly be. The only thing I get is this void of emotions and this faint knot in my stomach. I suppose I'm worrying, which could contradict me becoming a serial killer, but I fear that I could become something like that. Everything that is kind, nice, and fun is now dull and boring. I don't feel that the hobbies and love that I shared for others is there anymore and I'm completely dead inside. A void of emotions, as I've said. I feel a constant unreality and I'm frightened that, with this new found obsessive-compulsive train of thought and the Depersonalization I'm suffering from could be the turning point in my life where I turn into someone undesirable. Someone who harms others; which, logically, is something that I do not want to be.
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He replied to me (knowing my previous diagnosis) and said that I was simply obsessing. I'm showing that I'm worried of these thoughts and the worry alone is making me obsess more and more. He also had stated that, since I've become Depersonalized, it's inhibiting emotional responses that make me feel things like "compassion" and "happiness" - it's basically making me under perform in terms of emotions. I agree with him, but I can't quite seem to get past this fear. What if I end up becoming capable of hurting someone else? I picture hurting someone in my head and only
sometimes do I feel an increased pain in my stomach, but other times it's only a minor knot down there and it's as if I'm becoming more and more desensitized to it. I want to be the person that I made up for myself.
Another part of it is that I may suffer from an identity crisis. I'm not sure what I like or what I don't like - when I help others, it feels like I'm only doing it for the gratification (although there have been multiple situations where I've helped others without reward) and it feels like the only thing that I end up doing is stuff that makes people recognize me. That's mostly why I acted out in High School - I acted like a punk. I never hurt anyone or bullied, but I always pushed the teacher's buttons and broke the rules. I
loved pushing the envelope and I got a great thrill from getting called down to the office for something that I did. I never did anything incredibly bad, just broke dress code and stuff.
I'm afraid that, with this identity crisis and rebellious behavior, I am turning into an undesirable person. Someone that feeds off of the fear and hurt of others - I don't want that, but I don't know what else to call what I'm experiencing. I've gotten over intrusive thoughts before, but never have I been this obsessive about these thoughts until right now. I'm frightened that this is a pivotal moment in my life. I can see myself in headlines, newspapers, media, social mediums - everyone talking about how bad I've become and how I've hurt people. I'm so, so afraid of the future and what it may hold. I just want to become who I've set out to become, not someone from American Psycho who goes around killing people.
I'm just looking for help, as much as possible. I'd even answer questions or carry on long discussions about it, as long as I figure out what's swimming around in my head. I've long considered ending my own existence just to protect people and to make the pain of intrusive thoughts stop. I know I can't do that because either way I'd be hurting people. Being between a rock and a hard place is incredibly painful and unforgiving. Especially when I've tried to recover myself for years. I'm scared and I'm confused - I'm hurting from these thoughts and I just ask that someone can help me. I'm also happy to make friends, if you need any help either - we can help each-other. That's what this is here for, right?
If anyone reads and responds, you're awesome! Thanks and cheers for now.
