Hello skeezyks and thank you for your answer.

I think I feel ready now and my family have accepted it. I think long term I will be a great burden to them and so for all concerned it is better.

The reasons for not wanting this are very complicated.

I am supposed to start therapy soon, but I don't think they care much and I struggle to talk and so just ramble mostly. I feel it is about letting go of hurt and taking full responsibility for all I am (good and bad) and working on that, and I do try to do that on my own, and have brake throughs. Trouble is, even after that, life is there to brake you down and hurt you. I don't want that any more, as much as I may deserve it.

Maybe just ignore me. I know it's the right decision, just feel down about it all tonight.

Thank you again xx