I like that analogy too, Pat.

Part of the reason I broke up with the guy I was engaged to in college is because I felt like I was the best supporting actress in a movie... and he had the starring role. That's not the kind of life I wanted. He didn't put me in that role. I put myself in that role. I allowed myself to get lost in that relationship and I needed to get out to find myself again... and star in my own movie.

Have you ever read the novel "Fifth Business" by Robertson Davies? The fifth business refers to a character in an opera who has no opposite: the odd man out—neither heroine nor her lover, rival nor villain—yet is essential to the plot. I decided I didn't want to be the fifth business in anyone else's plot.

Another book that touched on this theme for me was "Martin Sloane" by Michael Redhill. It's sort of the opposite side of the coin. It's about remembering that most people are the stars of their own movie and the things we do aren't as important to them as we think they are. We sometimes blame ourselves for other people's reactions to us... because we think everything is ABOUT us... but usually, it's about them. Blaming ourselves and putting ourselves down because another person doesn't love us or doesn't treat us the way we want them to is incredibly self-centred. Do we really think we have that sort of importance in another's mind? When we do that, we're not allowing any room for their thoughts and reasons and history and internal life, etc. When we believe that we're that essential... that who we are and what we are is all that matters... we're forgetting something very important. We're forgetting that it's often true that it really isn't US... it's THEM.

For instance, there have been wonderful men who have been in love with me and I haven't loved them back. There's nothing wrong with them... The issue is with me. I don't feel passionate about men who are well-adjusted and have everything going for them. I'm drawn to a bit of a dark side... a bit of angst. So, if I reject a good-looking, kind, hard-working man... It's not about him; it's about me.

I have to try to remind myself of this when I don't get what I want or expect from other people.