Hello everyone. I've been lurking around for a while now and decided to finally post something. I've been dealing with depression for about the past 20 years. I've only been on meds for a few of those years, each time resulted with me just deciding not to take them anymore. But the older I get the more I realize that I just can't handle it anymore. I know deep down that I need meds. I need help. I can't keep trying to fight this battle on my own. I've tried for the last 3 years and, well, I'm losing.

Things are just too overwhelming for me. I can't take care of myself anymore. I can't even take care of my daughter (I'm a single mom) so my parents have been taking care of her mostly for the past few weeks. Just getting out of bed in the morning to go to work is a chore. You all know how it is.

Recently there's been a huge blowup with the family because of my inability to be a good mom to my daughter. I'm trying. They can't see that. And instead of being helpful they all have gotten angry with me (except for my dad and stepmom - they're the ones helping with my daughter). I was handling it all just fine until my mom sent me a text message saying that I was causing her to "slip into another depression" and that she "can't handle going through that again." (Backstory: my mom went through a divorce recently and went through a small depressive stage.) Her comment made me livid. *She* can't handle this depression that is *my* fault. We won't get into the fact that I've been dealing with this for 20 years, nor will we get into how she has blamed me for every wrong thing that has ever happened in her life since I was about 5. But now she's not speaking to me. I tried to laugh and joke with her the last time I saw her for our weekly family gathering with my grandparents, but she's not speaking to me. Because I didn't answer her text (so I wouldn't blow up and start an argument).

In order to avoid another awkward day like the last one, and in order to prevent any drama around my grandma, I skipped the family gathering this week (it's always on a Sunday). Yesterday was my birthday and my grandma didn't even call to wish me a happy birthday. (Because now she's mad at me too.) That made me feel wonderful (sarcasm!), worse than even my mom not speaking to me. I couldn't even get out of bed until noon today to drag myself to work.

I really can't handle things anymore. I'm not getting the support of my family. I'm the cause of all of the tension, and they're angry with me. Instead of helping, they're angry. Fussing at me for everything instead of doing something small, like asking if I'm okay or giving me a hug... Anything to show that I'm still important, you know?

To make matters worse I live in a small town. My family members have a problem with keeping their mouths shut. Not in a cruel way. They just don't realize that they talk to people who like to gossip... Everyone knows my business. I hate it.

I'm rambling. I'm sorry.

I know I need help and I'm to the point to where I will take any medicine a doctor wants to give me. I've always hated the idea of therapy. I hate taking to people. The last (and only) person I saw was a newbie and it just felt disgusting being there. I went once and never went back. I don't even know what to do anymore. I don't know where to even go to look for help. I don't even have a regular primary doctor I go to because I never go to the doctor. For anything. The purpose of this long dribble is to ask: How did everyone go about getting help? Because I seriously don't know what to do. I mean, I know I can see a primary doctor and he/she will dole out the latest antidepressant they pharmaceutical company wants them to dole out. But would it be better to bypass that doc and jump straight to a psychiatrist?

If you've made it this far, thank you.