I told my T how I am feeling today, and she said that it is very good that I feel like I can depend on her, since I didn't get that from anyone else. But it doesn't change how difficult and uncomfortable it feels. I hate feeling needy and clingy.
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Originally Posted by IndestructibleGirl
Of course it's uncomfortable, it's going through stages of development that you missed out on first time round, now as an adult. So it feels incongrous in a way, and in my case I get embarrassed about it - like I should be above those kinds of reactions. I get it, I really do 
I think it is a long, sloooooow process to actually start knowing how to process the feelings. For me at first, even saying I had needs - woah, that made me feel so nauseated and panicky and humilated. It has taken a year for me to accept that I do, in fact, have needs. Still not happy a lot of the time about having needs, but at least I don't feel like I want to disappear into a pit of shame when I acknowledge it. These things take time.
What's that thing about needing to do 10,000 hours of something to become an expert at something?? So over your lifetime you have quite literally become an expert at denying and repressing your own needs for a secure relationship, in order for you to survive, because it wasn't on offer when you were growing up. Now these needs are being invited into consciousness, and they're going to be scary and uncomfortable and reluctant at times. |
I am always afraid that my needs, or the fact that I feel close to someone won't be reciprocated. It makes me incredibly anxious when I feel like I want to express any of that.
But I also am afraid and nervous because the reality is that my T could decide to leave at any point. I'm not in control of other people or their lives or actions. Although I don't think that's her plan, I don't have control over whether she does or not. I know that's how every relationship works, but it feels more extreme in therapy for some reason.
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Originally Posted by JustShakey
I think this is good HG, I think it shows a lot of progress that you've reached a point that you're able to feel clingy and needy with T.
What IG says above about holding in the neediness makes a lot of sense. I remember trying to get my needs met by some of my Infants' teachers because I had to be strong at home. Of course I got (gently) reprimanded, though it didn't feel gentle at the time. Of course I learned that getting one's needs met is not proper. Trying to re-learn that it's okay 30-odd years on is *hard*.
These days I'm feeling like I need/want something, but I have no idea what, just that I shouldn't expect whatever-it-is from T. ... I'm a little lost...
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I know that feeling of needing something, but having no idea what it is. I feel it a lot, and my T has said it's because I have had to ignore my needs for so long that I no longer recognize them. It's a very painful, aching feeling.