I so know how you feel. I was diagnosed ten years ago and I struggled to come to terms with it for a really long time. I felt like it was a weakness or a personality flaw and I would beat myself up over it for not being able to control it. I hated taking my medication. I went on and off of it so many times. The last time I went off of it I got so paranoid and almost lost my job. When I finally went back on my medication it was sort of like a revelation because it worked so well...I realized I DON'T have to feel like this. I still feel ashamed to tell people that I have it...sometimes I do but I still wonder how they are judging me because of it. Medication and therapy will really help you and I promise that it does get better. I've had mine under control for several years now (fingers crossed) and I never thought I could get to this point. I just got married, graduated from school and am starting a new career. I take my medication everyday now because I'm scared to lose all of the good things I have in my life now if I don't take it. Take care!