If you know you are not suicidal at all, it sounds more like a fantasy. A time when you don't have to work so hard, get aching cheek muscles from smiling too much all the time, etc. I've been retired since 2005 and it is both very different and yet the same as it was before? That you are looking so far ahead and imagining when you can't know what it will be like, that's not selfish or anything, just start planning and working over time for something pleasant then. Fifteen years is a lot of time to make something good happen in. Don't just look forward to cease, but to a padded cease Flopping down on the grass in Spring/early Summer is great but a hammock with a cool drink is better?