Hello , this is my first post here and hoping to get some useful information from experts and similar people.

I grew up in a cousin's home from age of 8-18 years of age. Didn't have time to play with kids coz I was helping her all day long from doing house work to cooking etc,plus used to hear her blaming me accusing me of stealing things while i was asleep (in fact i was fully awake just to hear what she was saying to others) Now after 11 years since I left her house I still suffer from fear of being rejected, very low self esteem, fear of being in public, talking personal stuff to strangers etc. I'm 29 now still single never had a girlfriend, drunk alcohol for years until recently just to loosen up in social situations and faked my confidence with artificial items such as expensive clothes, fake confident eyes etc.I feel super lonely most of the time and I'm addicted to internet for almost 10 years.I spend my time online just to be in different world and read mostly how to do this how to do that things to improve my general knowledge but I was never able to concentrate on one subject and study deeply for my career.( come up with excuses all the time) . I started reading psychology and self improvement methods in the last 13 months and still can't stick to meditation videos, hypnosis tunes or reading books because I have this obsessive behaviour to get back online and read each other stuff that make me slightly happy including movies, funny videos, how to do things on your own videos,phornography etc.I get bored after buying things such as gadgets, clothes etc.

I self diagnosed myself as a person who has great general knowledge and extremely loyal to my close friends( very few almost non exist in 10 mile radius now) . but suffer from Social anxiety, loneliness, low self esteem, no major plan /purpose for life, extreme fear of rejection such as talking to women, applying for a job, being in public, eating in front of others such as bars, restaurants, pretend to be perfect in all ways, internet addiction, obsessive behaviour such as buying expensive top of the range gadgets,clothes,unique items etc just to show others that I'm an expert in what I'm doing. I'm paranoid of What if situations...never been to CBT or psychologist as I only find all the information online. Basically I'm a loner who thinks deep down that I need some sort of love...I tried to face my fears of doing the opposite of what I'm doing now but my anxiety what if attitude prevented me doing all these.

BUT I never thought about self harming myself or others !!! Which is good thing. In fact I believe I can handle any situations life can throw at me and I don't worry about money, debt, fear of loosing accommodation etc.

I'm tired of lying to myself all the time and going back to square one after good deep thoughts to change myself.I'm physically fit guy but mentally NOT.when I say I will help a friend I help no matter what most times but when I say to myself I will do something for myself I don't follow ahead long and stays same.I don't have much money for seeing therapist at this stage as these things cost fortune around where I live. But I will in the future I just need some guidance until then.

Also I don't take drugs except regular cigarettes and alcohol. But haven't drunk much alcohol this year but when I drink once in a while I drink a lot !

BTW first time in my life I bought something for my general health those are Centrum multivitamins and Kira ST.John's wort tablets just yesterday. Took my first kira,tablet this morning I feel much calmer and less mood swings so far. hope this natural herb will help even little. I don't think I have severe depression may be just extreme OCD,Social anxiety, mild depression,and low self esteem and loneliness, need for love.

please type your inputs☺ I can't take good and bad inputs. Thanks in advance.

PS: I never heard the word I love you from no one. May be that's the root of the issues. But I will let your guys and girls be the judge here.