Thank you everyone for the response.I am working full time,have 3 kids school age,take care of house.So I wouldn't say it's a fantasy of "what if"because my life is laid back. I don't have enough hours to complete everything.I pretend things are fine,but occasionally,and it happens frequently lately,I'm hit by the pain of frustration,repressed feelings,desire to feel "alive" and knowledge,that it is all over for me. That is when I find myself not wanting"to Be" after my kids are settled,so I wouldn't feel this loneliness and ache over and over,kind of rationalization that my kids would have other support system and would not need me acutely,and I don't believe my husband would miss me much.
I might not be expressing my feeling properly,they've been bottled for too long to make sense now.I'm just tired .,and not physically....