The abuse. It left me afraid. I didn't understand how much until so many years later when I wept for the first time.

It left me hollow. I didn't know who I really was, and only now feel like I can get to know my own soul.

It left me angry. I still don't know how to get it all out.

It left me isolated -- it felt safer there. Now it just feels lonely. When I come to die, I don't want to feel alone. It's been hard to get people to understand this, why the journey of recovery has brought me here. I feel like life has left me behind. Like this whole struggle to survive has taken so long, I've missed so much while hiding from life. I can't get that back, I know. I look at other people, those in love, and I am so desperately jealous. Do I really have to be alone? I used to hug with one arm. It was over faster that way and I could return to my safe self.

Now I really want to use both arms. There just doesn't seem to be anyone here and I never figured out how to find someone to hug. I feel like an awkward kid at a school dance. Only the corner feels safe, but God I want the strength to get out of it. The few times I've tried, it's been such a disaster.

I dont' think I have a question tonight. This is just how I feel when I'm being honest with myself.

mtd