I almost died at worked today. I felt like my body was crashing down from this. I'm telling you, if I get let go, because of this. I midas well stop trying, because I'm not going on social security and I accept dying young. It's such bs I spend most of my life suffering and get nothing but this crap even more. I put all my effort to living a normal life and it's like dying or being immobilized and not able to take care of myself is like my only option when I don't want either.

I'm not suicidal I'm desperate and in a panic, because I don't have control of my life anymore. This is the hardest thing to live with when your body is shutting down much faster and all you want o be is happy and have a normal life like everyone else. I'm not ready to die, I just want to be a boy again, with my mom my grandma ok and my child and my life to be happy.

I can't stand it I can't stop crying because I want to know I'll be safe. No matter what's going on, but I make things up in my head on what people would do or say to comfort me, but it's my imagination and hopes that most of the time don't happen. People are more concerned about their own lives that they turn away for anyone in my circumstance and hexed to die.

I can't even explain how ****ed up this is, it's like I want the funds to live. Is it too expensive to even breathe have an existence. Am I not worthy enough to live because I don't have the wealth or fortunate enough to have the luxuries of what everyone around me takes advantage of because they are just lucky.

Seriously, I don't know how to feel. Like I am expecting someone in my head or in person anywhere telling me, well some kids born in africa will die this way too. They don't complain, I call BS because they are missing the point. They choose to lack compassion to others in need, because they are more concerned about the little things, the big picture is ignored all together and they lose their humanity for selfishness. So if a friend is dying, usually I see friends being there for them, for me it's I have to be credible enough to get attention. It's so exhausting when you want to do basic things and realize when this stuff is going on that you can't and other people won't know or understand unless they have it.
I pray if I did, that I'd die and wake up in my bedroom and this be a bad dream. I be back where I was not remembering this hell I'm in now. Just enjoy what I loved to do as a 4 year old. That's all I want now. I don't want money fame love or anything, I don't want to go to heaven or hell, exist, not exist, I don't want to be the number of a cynical society measuring life down to the molecule where it's too depressing to live.
I only want to have my imaginary friends, go on adventures like I used to and be a boy forever. I am too young to die if it does happen. I wanted this girl who I like a lot to see me, I don't care what's going on. I just wanted to be honest with my feelings. I wanted her to be with me to help me feel safe, she's been my friend for a year. I sometimes believe I'm insane, but not coping how my body and mind is falling apart. Do I deserve the dying man's wish or not? I feel anything I would want in life, won't happen, because people are always making excuses and when I die there is obviously going to be an excuse not to have her see me.

I don't know what to feel. That's it.