Hi, I'm new here, and basically I'm very very anxious.

My backstory: I am 13, and am currently being assessed by cahms, which is not meant to make me feel better, and currently doesn't. In my opinion and after about a year of researching and feeling so bad, I think I have severe depression, severe anxiety, and a few other mental illnesses. I was seeing a paid counsellor but I think my mum sees my depression as a bit of an inconvenience and decided to stop taking me.

When I say severe depression, I mean I have suicidal thoughts all the time. I couldn't act on it because sometimes I can't even remember to set my alarm to go to school. I'm very lazy, but my point is if I had a gun, or a 1000ft building or something (basically a surefire way to die) I would do it. I hate myself, because I don't have a flat stomach, I have large thighs and everyone's skinnier than me. Apparently my bmi is 21.6 but I feel like the doctors and calculators are lying to me. Even my mum thinks I need to lose weight, but I'm too lazy to exercise so I just cry instead. I don't self harm anymore, because it never made me feel anything.

I think my anxiety is the worst, or maybe my depression has become so familiar it seems normal. By anxiety I mean, I'm anxious that you people will hate me for posting on here. I'm contemplating deleting this post. I'm scared of men raping or kidnapping me, even my mother and my 4 year old sister (who's autistic) I am scared of conspiring against me. Its ridiculous, I'm aware. I used to think my dad would spike my drink. Even my grandparents I don't trust. My main issue is men (all of them), but no, my anxiety doesn't forget women. Sometimes I think women with prams, who I have been taught to trust by myself, I think are going to help a man kidnap me because they can get into my brain and find out that I trust them. Which makes me not trust them. Obviously I know no one can get into my brain but sometimes I try and suppress thoughts in case they are. I don't hug people anymore and I hate when they touch me without telling me. Once accidentally is enough thanks, anymore and I get suspicious you're going to molest me. I'm scared one of my (small amount) of friends will become lesbian and fancy me. I'm straight. Whenever I think a boy has an interest in me I feel like vomiting. Same for girls. I'm suspicious everyone fancies me if they're just a little bit nice to me, and cant really become friends with them in case they
are trying to gain my trust to hurt me.

I get scared of spiders and any insect really, I feel them crawling all over me and think I can see them on my walls sometimes.

I have a really bad memory, like a 'what happened for the last 12 years of my life/last week' kind of memory. I can remember basic things, like names and facts, but I find it difficult to see faces in my mind. I cant remember any events from last year really, unless someone describes them to me. My nana says she thinks I'm trying to suppress my memory because of how much stress my brain is under.

Sorry if this is boring.

I sometimes feel like maybe I'm special, because I'm so sad and maybe there's a special place for me somewhere. Then I feel guilty for feeling like I might be better than people because I'm horrible. Its more complex than that but because of my bad memory I forget my previous feelings too, unless I write them down. I'm not religious really, but am considering wicca. I really don't know.

There's so much more I think, but I've forgotten it all right now. I'm scared this is too long and you people might hate me for it. Im sorry I don't mean to sound so selfish, I've just been like this for 3 years and noone will give me an explanation. I don't like being insane anymore. Now I feel bad for calling myself insane when I'm probably not. I'm probably just an attention seeker. I don't know.