Raceka I have read your post and would like to comfort you. I will write more tomorrow as I have been away today and it is late.

I am sorry that you are feeling in the pits but I do not think your T is going anywhere and it does seem that he cares about you. I understand the fear of abandonment but from what you have shared... he is there for you and you are looking down the road too far. Try and stay where you are now... in the moment for now.

Also, please keep on your meds now and share your concerns about your meds with your pdoc when you go there. Stopping your meds will not be helping with anything....and believe me will cause more harm than good. Talk it through with your pdoc and if you both decide for you to quit your meds you can do it in a way that is healthy for you.

I seem to be inspired to type all the sudden so I will go with that..

I think that you have done what you needed to for your son and he could be angry with you now but in the long run you are trying to do what is right for you and what is right for your son. Not all parental decisions are well received but that does not mean they do not have merit. You are looking toward his future.

Also, you have your pdoc and T to trust at this time and perhaps you will trust your NA sponsor in time. Wait til you feel more trusting to share. That is o.k. really..... for your own safety. You need to develop trust and share as you are ready.

And... if I might share about tears... I tend to be an excellent cryer. Drives me nuts and I know concerns those around me. I sometimes think it is amazing that one person can have so many tears in them. I understand. You have much to grieve in your life and it is o.k. and actually good to allow yourself to grieve and feel what you are feeling and work it through with your T. I know that Saturday now seems forever away. Please continue to share here. We will be here to support you as we can.

I have found here that I can spill it and though that is difficult there are good people here ready to listen and offer support.

Please excuse my comment about paragraphs though I really do love them and posts are so much easier to read with them but I know it took alot to get out what you did.

I hope that you will rest well tonight or that you are already doing so. What can you do to help you make it til next Saturday. I find that visiting friends and doing stuff that I might not even want to do (bother) at least gets my mind off of me sometimes... or at least intermittently....which sometimes grows to more often. I do not know... that is just me.

I know... I like being at home too. Know how much time at home is healthy for you and how much at home just digs you deeper in a hole. I just speak from my own experience which I know is different but I just wish to help or let you know that you are thought of ... and try to offer you a bit of hope. Hope is such a wonderful word. I hope you reach for it.

Take care and keep posting.