Thread: paranoia?
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Old Sep 19, 2014, 06:09 PM
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Velouria Velouria is offline
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Member Since: Aug 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 431
Quote:
Originally Posted by scattergories View Post
It's so funny to me now how my brain was able to create all these stories and connections that even sometimes when I explained them to other people, they seemed somewhat plausible. The last time I got paranoid when I went off my meds though it really snuck up on me. I thought I'd be able to see it coming but I didn't and it got out of control fast. I knew I had thought I heard people talking about me through the walls before, but THIS time, it was actually happening. The internet can be a bad place for people with paranoia. I thought my apartment was being bugged and researched what kind of bugging equipment was out there. I was convinced there were pinhole cameras and microphones in my walls. I took putty and covered up all the little holes I could find in my walls. I used to think that someone had hacked in to my cellphone and could listen to my conversations through it anywhere I was, even when I wasn't using it. I used to leave my phone in my glove box when I would go to therapy. I didn't want him to hear what I was saying. I got a new cellphone, SIM card and phone number because of it.

Now I look back on it all and I'm kind of amused, especially because I'm so stable now. It's hard to talk about it with other people, though...they don't really know what to say. Sometimes I feel like such a weirdo...I don't tell too many people that I have bipolar disorder. I think though that moods swings are still easier for other people to understand than paranoia. I don't tell hardly anyone about the paranoia.
I've definitely covered the camera lens on my laptop with black tape. Fairly recently. For several days. Had a moment (or a few). Was still on my med.

I think, with certain things, it's the brain's effed up way of "filling in the blanks," and sometimes it can sound very plausible. Whether it's some strange survival/defense mechanism against anxiety from the unknown, I don't know.

In my situation at work it was tough because on one hand I work with a girl who I'm convinced is borderline and/or narcissist and who I know was desperate to gain favor with our boss. I would talk to my therapist about it all the time. I felt like she and my boss were both against me, soon everyone would be against me . . . that was not the case, even if she did try to do things to make herself look better. But at the time, I felt like there were daggers pointed all around me. And I could almost sell it. Almost. It was a bad time. I hated going to work. I never felt safe. But my therapist went with it, for a while.

A lot of people don't understand paranoia. And there are degrees of it. There's the kind where you know you're being paranoid but can't shake it and it consumes you anyway. And there's the kind where you don't know you're being paranoid. Some people think it's mere "worry", that it's all felt in the head, but it's visceral. You can feel the strain of it through your whole body. It really does consume you.
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"Every person, on the foundation of his or her own sufferings and joys, builds for all." ~Albert Camus

Cymbalta, 60mg -- for the depression.
Latuda, 40mg -- for the paranoia (delusional type).
Adderall, 40mg XR & 5 mg reg -- for the ADD.
Xanax, .5 mg as needed -- for the anxiety.
Topamax, 50mg -- still figuring this one out.

MDD, but possibly have some form of Bipolar Disorder. Then again, I could be paranoid . . .

Well, at least I still have my sense of humor.