Hello everyone!

Thank you for reading!

So as I have been writing, I am coming down off a long hypomanic lift off that began when my wife and daughter went to Mexico a month ago. I had been doing pretty good, and then BOOM! The bottom went out when they left, probably cuz I lost all of my structure which is a HUGE trigger for me.

Anyhow...

During that time I entertained some pretty unacceptable dynamics between myself and other women. Not actually cheating, but allowing vibes to go too far, situations I should really RUN from, letting them evolve to see what would happen, without actually crossing a line. I knew I was hypo manic when this was all happening, I didn't want to stop it, and I was entertaining some crazy ideas about ending my marriage and all sorts of things. So I am feeling better, so that is abating, but GEEZ!

The problem is that I don't feel supported in my relationship. This does not justify any degree of unfaithfulness, and to my credit I did not cross any lines in the sand, but I was def playing with fire, and while of course I can just NOT do that, I also know that it's coming not just from a place of desire, sexual mania, or what have you, but also from feeling unloved, unseen, and not appreciated in my marriage.

My wife HATES that I am bipolar. She feels totally put upon and resents having ended up with someone like me. When I am spaced out, forgetful, irritable, she is totally intolerant. It does not help to frame things in terms of my condition, and when I am depressed, she doesn't cut me a break at all. If I tell her I am struggling, that I am at the low end of a cycle, that things are hard for me, she's like 'ok' but then nothing changes, she's just not down to let me try and take some space and level out, it's kind of like 'well, sucks to be you' and we move on. Additionally, she will not support me taking medication. I address bipolar II through diet, exercise, mediation, sleep schedule and cbt. Originally when I was diagnosed I wanted to take medication, but she wouldn't support it and I was afraid of doing it without support. I have to say, I do have a great nutritionist and it actually works when I do it, but at any rate, it's another way in which I feel unsupported.

I am not getting what I need emotionally. I always thought cheating was about sex, but in my case, it's just nice when there is someone who likes me, and who is happy to see me, and looks at me in a way that makes me feel cared for and admired. By the same token, I don't want to destroy my marriage and not be able to live with my daughter, etc... I don't know what to do!

Anyone have any ideas?
MT