Hi there.
So everything is well for me. Busy, but well.
For some reason.. even though I am not angry, sad, or anything negative I have recurring thoughts of (Oh the cursed word that I can't seem to type).. suicide. Please don't ban this I am not thinking about killing myself. Nor am I approving that behavior. However, it's still just there. All the time. I think I might just be fascinated by it... I watch tons of movies about it or including it. I do the same thing with eating disorder movies. Although they always end up triggering me. Sometimes so do the depression movies.

I had only once in my life truly considered and planned out my own death. That's when I was seventeen. I'm nineteen now and pretty much past all the issues that led to that.

However, my first thought happened when I was twelve. And I remember walking and thinking "What am I even thinking? I don't want that." but why was it there? And why does it still come back?

I've heard of a thing called (place above word i don't like to type here) ideation. Where like someone is obsessed with it or something. I wish to not think this way. I have no reason to. I am passionate about life and have many plans and ideas. So many things I want to do. These thoughts feel lonely though because I can't just bring it up with anyone without them being concerned since many people know about my previous issues. I just wish to make sense of it.

-Mystery