(((((((((((((((((_Sky)))))))))))))))))

Nope, you're not a clueless twit . . . Thankfully! I have plenty of those around me as is, last thing I need is to find more here.

Hope sleep worked out for you!

For me, the adjustment in meds so far has been a good thing, but I'm still in rough shape. I imagine before long, they'll need to be changed some more. Today was hard in spots.

There is a horrific statistic about the five year survival rate of battered women. I'm trying so hard to beat those odds, I want to stick around, need to for no other reason than to get past my history. I've learned some amazing and surprising things, about myself, people, the world and this plane of existence.

I'm a good girl, I don't smoke, drink, do drugs, have wild sex or anything else I shouldn't. I never have. No wild partying, nothing, ever in my life. I make (no offense intended) good little catholic girls of Vatican I days look like wild party animals. I don't spend money unrealistically, I don't make other people's lives a living hell, I stay out of trouble, I'm quiet, polite and have totally given up on the few things I ever wanted out of life.

I'm not looking for a love that will last, affection, someone to hold me, a family, children and grandchildren anymore. No, I'm just looking to stay out of trouble, maybe touch a few lives for the better, spread the word about surviving domestic violence, mental illness and overwhelming loss.

I have to survive it all first.

Right now, I feel like I'm treading water, have been for days. I'm so very, very, very tired and the waves are getting more and more intense. There's a force three hurricane heading toward me, short of an act of God, I'm not going to survive it. So why do keep fighting?

Oddly enough, and this is the part I cannot explain, to myself or anyone else, I don't want to die right now. The other day not withstanding. The prospect of another 20 years of this crap however, no way. Frankly another five is unacceptable, especially given everything I've been through in the last two alone.

Every time I turn around someone else is asking me, trying to force me to turn my back on my principles and surrender what little of my life I have left. The same things that have happened time and again, I have not been able to see them coming and prevent them, now I can see them. Yeah, see them and I feel like I'm looking at a coming hurricane.

So do I sell my soul, cave again now that I know better, know what I've done wrong? Do I allow them to do, to me, what got me in all this much trouble in the first place? Flashbacks and nightmares aren't enough, now I have to do it again, have it rubbed in my face, my heart and soul? Doctors, Therapists, Books and more tell me to identify and limit my exposure to triggers, not push myself. So here I have people who are supposed to be helping me pushing me harder than I can go, wanting more from me than I have, or am capable of giving.

I kid you not, one of these people looked at me Friday and said; "How long have you been seeing your current Therapist and Psychiatrist?"

When I told her it had been two years she said that had been long enough, it was time for a change . . .

I'm still in a bit of shock over that one . . .