My little sister died last week. She was 29. I have been through so many thoughts and emotions in the last week and a half. My mind is spinning. I have been back in town from the service since Sunday night and Monday sucked, it was scary...I had so many things running through my mind. Then Tuesday I got out of bed and went to school and had a good day, so I thought, hey, things might be okay after all. They have pretty much been okay (as okay as they can be) until today. I had my first volunteer training session for a women's support services crisis line and pretty much everything that was said triggered me, and now I'm totally messed up. I can't get ahold of anyone. I just feel like I don't know what I'm going to do. I have a wife and she's great, and will help me get through anything, I know. But going to the hospital is out of the question if I get really depressed or start feeling suicidal. Every single time I've been there I've been abused, because I have borderline on my record (even though it was a misdiagnosis). They think I'm just there for attention. I couldn't handle going back. I would literally rather die.

She was sick for years. She was an alcoholic. So it's not like I didn't see this coming. She nearly died last year. Was in the hospital for a month. I don't understand why this is happening. I just want to be sad and cry a lot and whatever, not feel like I'm losing my mind. I hate this. I totally ****ing hate this. Life was just getting good! I worked my *** off to make my life better after a major mental health episode 5 years ago and it's been such a slow climb. Now this.