First things first, I want to apologize for this being such a long post, but it feels good to finally get this out there.

I started seeing this Therapist a little over a year and a half ago. She is without a doubt the most amazing person I’ve ever met, and it didn’t take me long to figure that out. Before I knew it she meant so much more to me than just a Therapist. She is like my best friend and she is all I think about. I have been going to see her every week and it is the only thing that I look forward to. Everything in between our sessions together is a distraction. We have so much in common, an interest in psychology, same musical tastes, and similar hobbies. A few sessions we just spent the whole hour talking about different bands that we liked. I usually don’t like to throw this word out there, but I am completely in love with her. Now, I know she is my Therapist and, on top of that, she is married and has a family. I’m just scared to death that this ends badly for me. I can’t even explain the pain I feel when I think about our relationship ending. In the recent months I have been doing a lot of self-medicating because I don’t know what else to do. I can’t tell her how I feel because I can’t take a rejection from her. I know she will be very kind and very gentle when she rejects me, but a rejection is a rejection, and for me, there is no coming back from that. All I know is rejection and I can’t take another one, especially from her. I want to be with her so badly it physically hurts me. Not in a romantic sense or anything (although that would be amazing), but as a friend. Unless she has been lying to me, I think we could have an amazing friendship. But I think ahead to a day when she may no longer be in my life and it makes me sick that I may not be able to see her because of some boundary issue. I don’t think I can live without her. I only have a handful of people in my life that matter to me, and I can’t lose her. I just don’t understand how two people can connect the way we do and, if one day my insurance decides not to pay anymore, we just cease to exist to each other. I’m sure she is much more objective than I am, but I don’t connect with people that much, and I don’t want it to end. It scares the hell out of me. I have researched whether or not a Therapist and a client can remain friends once therapy is over and I haven’t found anything that gives me any hope or peace of mind. So I guess I just wanted to come here and ask the same question. Is it ultimately up to the Therapist whether a relationship can continue outside of therapy or is it something that is written in stone. If anyone has any advice on how to go about dealing with this please let me know. I’m so conflicted and things feel so hopeless.