hi am new here.


i have bipolar II disorder (have not am, no one says i am cancer.) with mixed state episodes which are absolutely no fun.

i have been with my boyfriend for almost 2 years (in our 30's) and told him everything about what i deal with in my life when we started dating and turned out he suffered from depression. i thought he would be understanding.

the biggest problem is that he refuses to communicate with me if i am upset about something. i have zero right to be angry. he completely shuts down. i try to tell him what's wrong and i need him to talk with me but he gets on his phone or computer and just ignores me completely. it infuriates me, it's a trigger to upset me and then blames me for whatever i am angry or upset about.

i cry, i no longer beat the crap out of myself or pull my hair out or scream. i just cry. so then when i am really upset (and this is a new thing) he breaks out his iphone and starts recording me saying "this is so everyone can see what you are like" or "so you will finally believe how you act". i am well aware how i act. i am crying. in the past on bad meds i have given myself severe concusions. he knows this and has seen me "bad" and calmed me down when he was not doing this to me. i have been doing well for a while.

tonight i nearly killed myself trying to get his phone away to get him to stop. i said it was controlling, emotionally abusive, manipulative and disrespectful not to mention hurtful and not allowed in our realtionship. he said he needed proof of my "violence and aggression" but i was trying to get the damn phone away from someone totally triggering me and pushing my buttons who is twice my size. anyway i only hurt myself if i was ever violent, he knows this. i have the MRI'S to prove it.

he calmed down and erased the videos, i made sure. i said i would not do this to him. it is not something i will tolerate. then i found him downloading a quicktime file to record just sound. i then left and i am now crying on a couch. i just got a text message saying everything was my fault (it's always my fault) cause i was in a bad mood and ruined his mood. he is like two people and for someone who has bipolar disorder that is saying something. i admit i am difficult sometimes and strong minded but he used to like that.

i need to not feel so wrong and frustrated. i feel like i have totally lost all ability to reason and i am smashing myself into a really painful brick wall.