I had a rough night last night. I was feeling pretty down and got drunk alone in my room. Again. I know it isn't good. I was having urges to self harm and the more I drank, the darker the urges got. It was never a full on sui urge, but just self harm in more serious ways. I ended up texting LCM that I might need help and she had me call her. Yes, I called her while drunk which is a horrible idea. She asked me what was going on and I just started babbling at her about my problems and how I feel about myself and my life. I was really harsh on myself and verbalized what I think to myself but never. Her response to this was, well I could hear her voice get heavy and I knew there was a look of pain on her face. I felt like I could almost feel her heart breaking which broke mine too.

She made a plan to keep me safe for the night. She told me I needed to drink water, get something to eat, and call a friend. We hung up. A little later, she texted me saying she had just realized that in order for me to get anything to eat, I would have to go out into the streets alone at night, drunk because the cafeteria in the building closed at 7pm. She said I should stay inside but I had already left by then. She got really worried and told me to text her when I made it back. I did. She told me to breathe and tell myself that everything is okay. I wasn't panicking. I told her I think she might be projecting because I was totally calm. She said I was right, she was super nervous, and said she'd try to get some sleep.

I feel really bad. I hate it when she is upset and the idea that maybe I scared her and made her unable to sleep makes me feel worse. I know she was probably shaken because she was upset that she sent me outside, but she was also really upset by what I said about myself. Sometimes I don't tell her things because I know it hurts her to hear.