I am going to see a therapist soon, but the waiting list is a few months long.

And I have thought about getting a solicitor but they will say there is no proof and evidence, as there was no cctv in the cell, and without that I will get no where.

They already denied leaving me naked, searching me naked and tying me up, when I told the duty officer.. he just said ' they would never have done that' and said make a complaint if you are unhappy with your treatment.

I told him that they did and he just said, it would be on the custody record if that happened, and as its not, all I can do is make a complaint.

I just wish the constant video of it all playing in my head would go away. Its like I have to re live it all day every day. I used to wake up at night with flashbacks and nightmares of it. Now I get scared in a room with the same colour paint on the wall, in a room on my own as it reminds me of it, and have what I call body reactions.. its like my body can remember what it felt like at the time, like down there and my boobs feel like they are exposed , when they are fully covered.. its just all so confusing. I wish someone could just get an eraser and erase it all from my mind, and make all the triggers go away.

What bothers me the most is that I was supposed to be in a place of safety and now I feel like if you cant trust the people who are supposed to keep you safe, then who can you trust. I also self harmed when it all just becomes too much for me having a constant video of it playing in my mind, all day and night.
I don't think its even getting better as time passes as the longer I have it in my head, the more things being to remind me of it, like the colours of walls... if im standing too close to a wall, it reminds me of being naked. I cant even bend over sometimes as it reminds me of it all. As for attending a hospital or any place like that... I just have a panic attack and instantly have to leave the minute they say you have to remove clothing..

Is there any thing I can do to help myself with all of this until I get to see a therapist as its all just too much to deal with on my own.