This is going to make people more convinced that I need help to address this right away. But trigger warning for suicide and CSA***

I actually really worry about attempting sui drunk. That's actually why I contacted LCM last night although I did not tell her that because I can't be hospitalized again. Sui thoughts and urges are common for me when I drink and it's a little concerning. I just get locked on thinking about sex and the CSA while I'm drunk. And the thing is that I can't really process feeling anything. I don't feel upset by the memories at all. The thoughts of the memories and the thoughts about consensual sex that I want to have someday bleed together in some weird and disturbing (often violent) sexual fantasy melting pot. But I'm drunk and I don't process any feelings about it except for having sui urges because of it. It's kind of creepy to think about after the drinks have worn off. If I were to attempt anything, I would do it without feeling upset because the thoughts and behaviors are present when I drink but the emotions are not.

Yes, I know this is a problem if for no other reason than that alone but I'm so scared of maybe being hospitalized or reverting to a different coping skill that I can't even tell LCM how bad it is. I also don't want to hurt her and I know that telling her that I drunkingly couldn't stop thinking about killing myself and absolutely have the resources to make at least a serious attempt would kill her. She would be a nervous wreck and it would completely break her heart just thinking that I was thinking about that but I know I owe it to her to talk to someone about it because if I actually did do something, it would hurt her even worse and she doesn't deserve that. She told me a while back that if I killed myself it would "mess her up forever". I really believe her. She does love me and on top of that, I know she would blame herself for it massively. Her life is hard enough as it is.

Plus my teachers and my friends and I really don't want to do that.