I wasn't sure if this would be triggering or not, but I wanted to place the icon there just in case.

When I SI, I don't think about the consequences of what I'm doing. I don't think about the marks, the scars, or how it's going to look afterwards. I express no interest in trying to stop.

Early last week I engaged in SI and this included some burning... Now I can see what I have done to myself.... the horrible scabs, the scars that it's going to leave... I have a bandage over it now. Last week in school I was so embarassed.... I mean, here I am in graduate school to be a T and I have SI marks all over my left arm.

I can't possibly start my internship and expect to be a therapist with SI marks in view.

Even when they heal, there will still be scars.

The bad part is that I still don't have much desire to stop... more like move it to a new location.

T asked if there is anything... anything at all that provides the same release.

There is not.

I have am having such a hard time today. It's my first day back to work after a week of school. I hate it here, I f***ing hate it. On previous Mondays, I would at least know that tomorrow I would be seeing T. Not this week. Not anymore. Now I wait until Friday. He told me to call anytime... I can't do it.

I cannot live when my mind is not stimulated. All week at school.... I loved it... running and participating in groups therapy, arguing points, thinking... When I am home I'm reading, working on the new house.... Now... my mind is dull. I start my internship in 2 weeks, thank God... So I will only have to be here 3x per week instead of 5x. I cannot wait until I am out there doing what I am meant to do... I knew this would happen today... that as soon as I walked into my office, I would feel like sh**.

Ugh. Thanks for listening. Is it 4 o'clock yet? Ha. Not even close....