Quote:
Originally Posted by ~Christina
I haven't ever posted much on your threads, but I have followed them..
Everyone has given you top notch stellar advice and links and phone numbers, even people offering to make actual calls to T's in YOUR town.. I mean WOW ! All I have seen from you is excuses and lame reasons that "whatever offered" wont work.. You downplay your problems until your drunk posting and texting your LC.. Maybe you haven't hit bottom yet ? Maybe you enjoy the concern and compassion and the ability to seek sympathy? probably so, hell we all need to unload at times.
You and only You can take that first little step to feeling better by wanting more out of your life more than drinking your pains away, more than living in a dorm , wanting your own place so you dont have to go back "home" Dont you want more ? More of the good stuff? So you've gone through some horrible things? Everyone has there own ":monsters" to deal with... Is it easy ..Nope, not really at first ..but as time ticks away it does get easier and your making positive changes in your life.
I really hope that one day you read a response or advice on here and just go do something besides thinking up reasons why you "cant"
Best wishes
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I called all of the people that was suggested to me. The fact that all of them couldn't see me because of scheduling issues isn't a lame excuse. I'm still calling T's and I have gotten stuff set up at local offices to meet some. I'm not making excuses in that respect. Pointing out that still hasn't worked out yet and saying I'm making excuses feels like I'm being sent on a guilt trip.
Maybe I'm making excuses for drinking. I am. I mean the crux of the problem is that I get off on the feeling of self destructing. I genuinely deeply enjoy feeling like I'm slowly killing myself. I enjoy it in a poetic way and a sexual way if I'm going to be completely honest. I don't enjoy the feelings surrounding the memories I'm trying to escape, but I do enjoy the feeling of drinking and thinking about how badly I'm hurting myself by doing so. Maybe I just like taboo things. LCM thinks I get off on acting out my self hatred which is true.
And that isn't an excuse. It's a reason why it's difficult for me to quit doing dumb things. A reason is different from an excuse.