I called all of the people that was suggested to me. The fact that all of them couldn't see me because of scheduling issues isn't a lame excuse. I'm still calling T's and I have gotten stuff set up at local offices to meet some. I'm not making excuses in that respect. Pointing out that still hasn't worked out yet and saying I'm making excuses feels like I'm being sent on a guilt trip.

Maybe I'm making excuses for drinking. I am. I mean the crux of the problem is that I get off on the feeling of self destructing. I genuinely deeply enjoy feeling like I'm slowly killing myself. I enjoy it in a poetic way and a sexual way if I'm going to be completely honest. I don't enjoy the feelings surrounding the memories I'm trying to escape, but I do enjoy the feeling of drinking and thinking about how badly I'm hurting myself by doing so. Maybe I just like taboo things. LCM thinks I get off on acting out my self hatred which is true.

And that isn't an excuse. It's a reason why it's difficult for me to quit doing dumb things. A reason is different from an excuse.