I stayed in bed all day, and skipped my friend's 30th birthday party. Then I was going to take some mushrooms and stay up all night at home and see what happens. I had them in my hand, thinking it over. It would have worked, now that I'm off my saphris. So I considered, and considered, and decided against it. Decided it wasn't worth the risk... But I'm still considering. It's 11:20 now, I could still do it and it would be gone by tomorrow. But what if I have a bad reaction, or what if I get caught by the mental health monitors for work? My monitoring included med compliance, which I am not doing, and no drugs or alcohol with random drug screens, which I am doing. They can't test for mushrooms, but these ones are in chocolate, and what if there is something else in them? I am going on a trip to New York in a month, and I shouldn't do anything to jeopardize myself before the trip. But I feel like a mushrooms trip might enlighten me or help me figure some things out. But it also could destabilize me, especially being off meds. I know that everybody here will think this is a no brainer and a crazy thing to do, and I will get a feedback to not even consider this again. But I'm still considering it now... I am so bored. Hmmm... I probably shouldn't post this, but I feel like doing something irresponsible, and posting about it is safer than taking drugs. So, what to do? I probably won't do it, not tonight anyway. Self sabotage? Search for meaning? Not too sure. I feel compelled. I connects to some thoughts I have about a trip many years ago that caused psychosis. Like maybe if I do it again I can fix something inside myself that I lost that night... or maybe psychosis again. I should probably just watch some netflix and chill. It's too late to go to the party and that just seems like so much effort. I think I'm going to be up all night.