I had a similar thing with my t. I managed to squeak out that she was always in my head
It's true, it did get better after that. And also just that she is there, week in week out, however stupid or childish I am...I think it makes it easier to trust, so the attachment gets a bit more real and a bit less desperate iykwim.

I'm sorry it's so hard, and there are bad days. I find it so helpful to come on here. Walking outside helps me too, and cuddles with my doggie.
Sending hugs your way, if you want them.
Xx