I dunno, I couldnt quite verbalise my feelings today in T. Felt like I was fighting "needing" T. Told her at one point that I feel I've got tourettes and wanted to say to her too F**k off...she said do you need an excuse to tell me to f**k off?...I goes I guess not...so I said F**K off...

I told her I think I'm stuck, on the one hand, the fantasy of the perfect mother isnt working as well now, unyet I can't see the real relationship completely yet. I've swung from daydreaming she thinks about me 24/7 to thinking she doesn't care or think about me at all.

As I said this I found the adult me starting to kick in, and I could see that what I was saying wasn't the truth, that I KNOW she does care, but maybe not in the way I think. I told her that acting out and accusing her off not caring is all I know how to do.

I'm afraid to be an adult and respond to her in an adult manor incase I loose the help, loose her, that unless I act out she will maybe think I'm ok and forget about me? well actually this last bit only just came to me as I sit here writing this. Wish I had thought about that when I was with her, that I'm creating drama so that I remain high up in her mind!!

Its so weird, its like my last days of drinking, no matter how much I dramk I couldnt get drunk, now no matter how much I try to morth fantasys of T obsessing about me doesn't work now, it just dont come, I know "better" now.

I hope what ever it is that replaces the fantasys kicks in quickly because I feel adrift with no life boat in sight right now.