dWell, I risked everything, and now they wearing off, and I feel pretty empty. I thought they would make things seem full. My expierience was mixed. I felt good and had dbeautiful visions with my eyes closed for parts of it. But it also made me think a lot, and question some of my recent decisions. Which made me feel sad. I don't know what I'm doing in my search for meaning, and my search to make sense of so many things that have happened, when really a lot of it will never make sense. It made me realize that I have lived a pretty difficult life. I have a lot of good things in my life now, but it's tenuous, one bad move and it could all disappear. If I get caught with what I did tonight it could all disappear. So why am I taking these kinds of risks?? I really don't know. And am I heading into depression? Maybe, but I;m not sure. And should I go back on the meds that I stopped? I really don't want to... but the question is do I need to? I don't want to blame my decision tonight on being off meds. I don't really regret what I did tonight, but I think it would be a bad idea to do it again any time soon. What is wrong with me?? Feeling so confused. I was hoping this would make me feel free. I just took half a saphris to hopefully be able to sleep, because it's 4:30. Anyways, I don't know why I"m writing any feel like I'm taking up too much space by looking for support here, especially when I'm being self destructive. Searching for something...