I shouldn't say NO HOPE because then I would truly end it. The fact is I have been struggling my entire life but esp. the last few years since I am old and ugly overnight, and have nothing going for me. I have gross sores on my feet that won't go away, because all doctors are idiots, waste of money asking them for help, I have a problem getting out of bed EVERY SINGLE DAY, because I hate what I see in the mirror, I have no job no money no friends no nothing, and I don't know why I don't end it except there is only one reason: I have to clean my house and I cannot because I obviously have some kind of issue with hoarding or something, because I get so distraught at making decisions of what to keep or throw out or put where that I become more and more screwed up. I have been moving in for THREE YEARS -- yes that's right -- and I cannot live life until I do. Now I have given up ever getting to the point of getting to have a life, as it's far too late. Now I just want to get my affairs in order so that I can THEN end it, far far away because I have been trapped and imprisoned here for twelve years. I lost hope at ever escaping when I was forced to stay by a family member, and now really, I can't. I just want a clean f ----ing house so that I can FINALLY, FINALLY, get to leave for at least a day before I end it. I tried and I tried and I tried and at some point, you just have to say it's done. Why did God have to do this to me? All I ever wanted was to have something go right. I don't deserve this torture. I hate everyone, I hate myself, and I want to get the hell out.