Sorry you're having a hard time, Mouse, and I hope things ease up for you soon...sounds like whatever fantasies you have erected for yourself (and we all do it at some point or another) to help you cruise along have crumbled into a heap of uselessness. And without an equal substitute in place you are adrift amidst a sea of uncertainty and disorientation.

T is no longer the perfect mother so how does one relate to that kind of 'news'? As long as she existed as the perfect mum your life as you knew it felt safe and predictable and on track (vis a vis her).

Now that the realization of the reality is hitting you, awakening you from your 'slumber', life seems so harsh, cold gusting winds, no raft in sight.....need to hold on to the mummy fantasy in order to stay afloat...but the fantasy ain't working anymore.....

If I'm off, please set me straight if you can...

If I'm not......here's what I think: though t is not 'fantasy mum' she IS a human being who cares about you. Is that too difficult to believe? Doesn't quite fit with your life-story? That another human being can care? If so, I understand.

Your post has me thinking about a t I used to see who betrayed me big time. And the unreasonable amount of rage I experienced at that time. It occurs to me now that the reason for my overwhelming rage may be because as children we expect it to be in the nature of the parent-child relationship that a parent would not betray a child, and when a parent does do so it is almost impossible for the child to make any sense out of it. It is my MOTHER after all, and mothers don't do this!!!! But other people do betray us. And that's life. People betray us. They don't owe us the 'I-will-never-betray-you' promise. Perhaps if I could see my t as a human being as opposed to my fantasy mum, I could reduce the level of rage. Not sure about that though.