I'm 26 and he's 31. He seems pretty mature (I actually thought he was older than that at first). I know the conversation about birth control will have to happen before we start having intercourse, especially since condoms by themselves is not enough. I'm sort of afraid for that conversation because birth control pills in the past has caused gender dysphoria and I'd have to discuss why. Honestly, I'm really confused about gender sometimes…I have a female body and most people know me as female because it's easier, but I've always felt somewhere in between. Not transgender certainly (although I've thought about it), since I'm only "male" part of the time. But being on female hormones (which I've been put on to lower my male hormones even though I didn't want to) makes me not feel right anymore. I think they may have messed me up permanently as I feel my male self is very suppressed now. I guess gender identity might have something to do with our inability to connect physically, I just dread that conversation. Especially since it would probably lead to a discussion on sexuality and I'd have to admit that I've been attracted to various genders and even wondered if I were gay, although come to find out, I was just terrified and untrusting of men and I seem to be the most consistently attracted to cis-gendered men like him. I think he's pretty open, but if someone hasn't been around a lot of non-binary gendered people, it can be strange and confusing.

He does seem extraordinarily patient given the circumstances, even coming up with positives for the physical stuff not working yet. I just feel bad asking him to slow down because that means if he wants something exclusive with just me, he's going to have to just pleasure himself for a while and I have difficulty not just giving in to what a guy wants just so they can stay liking me. I have difficulty imagining a guy would like me and have interest in me beyond my body and I even have trouble imagining a guy would really be interested in my body in the first place.