When I'm alone and just doing normal things, I suddenly let out this muffled scream and start twitching for a second. Or I suddenly slam my fist on something. No tears yet. I'm aware of this, so naturally I go back to pretending that nothing happened.

My mom's obviously the trigger. Usually after she gets angry about something. Then sometimes I contemplate waving a knife in her face [jokingly] or slapping or strangling her [not jokingly]. She's still acting like her usual self, but... I don't know. Sometimes I freak out just imagining talking w/ her, or reminding myself of something hypocritical she said. I love her and I want to bash her head against the tile and I can't live without her. Feels terrifying.

I went to see a therapist back in February for "generalized depression". But I was being too vague so he turned me away and gave me his secretary's number in case I was able to solidify my thoughts. So neither my mom or I called again, even up to today. During the summer, I told her I was having violent thoughts, and she said we would call once I got back. Of course, we didn't. Then I wanted to try telling her about my feelings and being open for once. But she decided to tell me her mom was dying [She's kept herself together.] so it didn't feel right to dump my problems on her.

Of course, I have to get to the roots if I want to solve this. Most likely. But apart from therapy/meds, does anyone have advice on how to curb sudden outbursts? Concentrating on other things isn't as effective as it should be.

* My mom always told me that bottling up your emotions was bad. This is probably the end result of it. But at least the relief at the end of the tunnel will feel better...? XD