I have read some - but honestly not all of your posts yet. I will come back to finish reading later, but I wanted to respond now.
I honestly cannot imagine any decent person who could read this and laugh. Your emotions are so honest and I can see that your fear is real. And that is completely understandable.
As I write, I honestly worry I will say the wrong thing. That I will say something that triggers or makes things worse. You note that no one will understand. And so few people will ever know the hell you went through. (Noting the use of hell as a place you were in and not who you are and what is connected to you.) But the emotions - many of us can relate to even if it is a much lesser extent.
I hear how hard you tried to protect your siblings. I hear how desperately you tried to be loved. I hear the strength you have had all these years. And I hear so much guilt, fear, and self-blame.
You also spoke about what love was and was supposed to be. For me - it is the peaceful moment when you hold a sleeping child you love. Their innocence, peace, and trust that is to me what love feels like. I don't describe it well. And I apologize for that. But that is the best I can do.
I don't know that you or anyone will ever make sense of the horrors you faced. I don't know that there is an explanation why people were so horrible and acted so cruelly or why so many of the were placed in your life. You noted that hell followed you. And indeed it did. But it was not you. It could not have been. I know you may not believe me, but I need to say it.
You speak about how lovingly you cared for your own children. How well you cared for them. You took care of your siblings the best you could. And you stood up for them and did your best to shield them. You put them first. And that, that is what love is. I don't know if anyone showed it to you. But you showed it over and over (and I know so little about you, but I know this).
Children can only know what they are taught. And they cannot be held responsible for most of the things they do acting as children, never mind being forced to act as an adult.
I honestly am amazed at your strength and compassion. And one day I hope you will be able to see how caring and strong you are and have always been.
I send hugs and the best of wishes.