I hear you. I'm so sorry to hear about your mom and how you feel now after her passing It must be so tough to have the feeling that you cannot change how you treated her. However, you can still make her proud. Just do whatever, with your own life ahead, you think would have made her proud. See if you can channel that feeling towards making your life better and fuller.

If it makes you feel any better, my mom is in her last years, and I know I'm going to feel the same way when she's gone, and it's not a nice feeling.

However, the one thing I have realized over time is ... yes, I've been a bad person to her, and yes, I've said some nasty things to her which I'm going to regret, but I've had a pretty damn tough life myself ... harder than I'd wish on my worst enemy. I need to give myself a break ! I know I didn't do it on purpose, and you didn't mistreat your mom on purpose, either.