Quote:
Originally Posted by hamster-bamster
I think your friends view your asexuality as a challenge to be overcome. However much you talk about it and try to set expectations etc would not work until you tell them that this is not a dare, and not a challenge to overcome, and not a way to score points where nobody before them could.
Some people want to feel better about themselves by overcoming unusual challenges.
I will give you an example - I have very poor spatial intelligence and cannot parallel park. The steps involved in parallel parking are just completely overwhelming to me.
In the 1990's, 4 guys tried to teach me how to parallel park, to no avail.
In 2013, I used to park far from where my then new boyfriend then lived (two "thens"  ). When he wondered why I parked so far, I explained that I was looking for a spot that was immediately by a driveway so that my car would not get locked by parked cars from both sides because otherwise I would not have known how to leave the parking spot.
He wondered how I go to the city (SF). I said that I take the train - I do not go often and when I do, I take the train. The idea of parallel parking on the sloping, steep streets of San Francisco is completely daunting for me. And I said that 4 people tried to teach me, to no avail. He shrugged this shoulders and accepted the info. He is very smart.
At about the same time, I reconnected with a former friend from many years ago and he wanted to have a relationship with me, but I did not. He invited me to a restaurant and then after the meal walked me to the car - a very far walk, for the same reason - I looked for a parking spot before a driveway. He wondered why and immediately wanted to teach me how to parallel park in 5 minutes. He is stupid - if 4 guys were not able to teach a woman how to parallel park, the problem is within the woman and you do not try to become better than those 4 unlucky guys; you do not take the situation as a dare.
I expect that your guy friends view your asexuality in the same way in which this stupid guy viewed my lack of spatial intelligence - as a dare, a challenge to overcome, something that would give them points where nobody before them was able to score points.
Does it ring a bell at all? |
Yes, I do understand your point that I'm becoming a challenge whether I want to or not. But as you have said, "He is stupid - if 4 guys were not able to teach a woman how to parallel park, the problem is within the woman and you do not try to become better than those 4 unlucky guys; you do not take the situation as a dare" and in my case I'm the woman with the problem. It is all my fault, I'm giving them signals which I don't even realise, all is my fault...
Somewhere I know, I'm not really at fault. My actions might have given him mixed signal, but I know that with every action I've told him what that action means to me. How those actions don't affect me the way they do to other people. I was always clear, always gave him option to leave me if sex was all he desired. But, still I'm not able to get the feeling that "I WAS WRONG" from my head. I even believe I actually deserve such behaviour from guys, this is what I've come into the world for... again very wrong for me to think, but these thoughts don't leave my mind even though my rational mind tells me I'm victim not abuser.
He got what he wanted and is now gone. Hasn't contacted me for past 3 weeks (Bad thing is even after such a behaviour from him, I still wish he comes back, at least talks to me as we always did during our initial years. I wish I was actually a friend for him with whom he could share anything in the world, with whom he had comfort to share even his dark secrets, but reality is I was just means to end whether I accept or not).
I've asked this question because next time I don't want to get into similar situation. Somewhere I know I'll again commit same mistake. Because though I don't have sexual interest, but I need company. Someone who is good to move from acquaintance to friend is someone to treasure. Not everyone become friends, most of people just remain as acquaintances. And with the fear of not losing them, I do what makes them happy.
Or may be what I call as friend is what is considered as more than friend in general lingo... I just find myself unfit for this world