I never knew fear
until panic attacks
I am adventurous
I laugh at danger
I never knew fear.

I was twenty eight years old
when it started
derealization
depersonaliztion
Bouts of feeling like I was going to die any minute

I thought it was all over
for me

It got better

But it didn't go away.
I'm sitting with my friends
I'm working out at the gym
I'm walking in the woods
and it just comes.

And all I want to do is go to an emergency room
I'm dying!
Right?
No.

I can't.

But it's not "all in my head"
people try to make me "calm down"
but that's not even the ****ing issue!
I'm totally calm
My body just won't behave

My mind is cloudy,
my heart beats too hard
chest pains
random pains

How will I even know if I really am in danger?
I have trained myself to ignore it.

And it's not like I can tell anyone.
No one has any idea what it's like.

People have ridiculous notions of what a panic attack is

But what it is
is the worst thing I can imagine.
I'd rather go through anything than a panic attack

But it's just fear.
All we have to fear is fear itself?

I fear fear.
and that is all that I fear
I know it is only fear that I fear, and yet I fear it.

and so I drink.
The drink helps.
After the first five.

I never knew fear.
I am adventurous
I love new things and new experiences.
Fear should not be in my vocabulary.

My mind is clear
I know that it is only fear and nothing more
My mind is clear
I'm not an idiot!

I never knew fear before.
Now I know.