Quote:
Originally Posted by HazelGirl
*****Triggers*****
I have very few memories of my childhood. But I do know I was abused physically and emotionally. But the one thing that bothers me is that I have a lot of "indicators" of sexual abuse, but absolutely no memories. It really bothers and worries me a lot.
As a child, I:
- I don't ever remember learning about what sex was. I always "knew".
- I started masturbating at a very, very young age quite frequently (more than is considered "normal" for my age as a child)
- I used to "play sex" with my Ken and Barbie dolls as a child
- I accidentally found some porn as a child and it didn't surprise or bother me
- I was an incredibly difficult child to potty train because I was afraid of people and of telling people about my bodily functions
- I still feel extremely self-conscious about my body and don't like others to see me naked or changing ever, no matter who they are
- I once had a flashback (the only fully immersive flashback I've ever had) that was only a few seconds long of me being a little child and lying in bed terrified. I pulled myself out of it as soon as it started happening because I knew it was a flashback, so I have no idea what might have happened, but it still makes me wonder
What bothers me the most is that if something like that had happened, no one would ever have known because everyone in my family was so clueless. They would have had no idea. And if I buried the memory (or memories) away, I would have no idea.
And I'm not sure whether to bring it up with my T since I don't remember anything and don't know that anything actually happened. Or whether to just wait and see if anything ever comes to consciousness.
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I think the biggest red flag is the worry that there might have been CSA in your past. Other than the flashback, everything you mention sounds like a pretty normal variant of childhood sexual curiosity.
Lots of young kids masturbate a lot--so much so that parents often wonder if they itch or have infections because they seem to be touching their genitals constantly. It's not that commonly an indication of abuse. Sometimes it's normal and sometimes it's indicative of an underlying anxiety (like chronic picking at skin, pulling and eating hair etc.) that isn't necessarily related to sexual abuse.
Almost all kids play sex with Ken and Barbie.
Some kids are very perceptive about sex, read a lot and/or pick up cues from their environments (like TV, how adults around them behave, watching animals etc). Intuitive knowledge about sex is also common.
Difficulty potty training and embarrassment about changing in front of people make me think a child has been shamed a lot. Parental impatience and insensitivity about potty training coupled with excessively common toddler constipation can make learning to use the potty very hard. It's definitely an indication of a problem (like some degree of emotional abuse) but I wouldn't necessarily think the problem is CSA.
This is not to dismiss you at all. CSA may have been part of your past. I just don't think that what you're describing sounds extremely suspicious for it especially since it doesn't automatically make sense to you that you were sexually abused based on everything else you know about yourself.