Hey guys. I know you all most likely get tired of hearing from me, and think Do something already. But I am "Stuck" mentally yet again .


I cannot decide what to do. It drives me crazy. I set and wonder am I doing the right thing. When it is good it is really good, but when it is bad it is really bad.

Right now things are good. My H is being fairly understanding. Things are calm in his life. We found a pastor at our church, he is head of a committee which has just fulfilled all its obligations and won’t pose a problem for another year. So he is calmer because he doesn't have so much on his plate. That makes him less spastic mentally. And if he is well mentally then I am too. It is when he is not so well and things are not calm that I wonder if what I am doing is misguided.

For right now I see him at church, he is so happy and things are going his way. I am proud of him for being the Christian that he is. He is setting stuff right at work. He feels good about that.

What am I doing? I am planning on crushing his world. We got a new pastor, what is he gonna think of us, what is he gonna think of the Great Deacon in his church? (Oh my God, it just dawned on me, it is not up to me , My H has portrayed that we have the perfect life, and we don’t, it is gonna look bad on him because he willingly misled others to believe this to be true) Ahhhhhhhh. That is even worse. Now I feel guilty because of me people are gonna find out he lied, and I was his accomplice. He is going to have to give up being deacon, he is gonna have to explain to his family what is going n, his business partner, our church family, I am going to have to explain to my family. All of this because I can’t deal with his crap when it is bad. Does that make me bad? Does that make me wrong, I sure feel wrong? I feel guilty as hell. He has no idea. He has to know things are not great. He has to know from the disconnect between us that things are not good. He has to be able to see that.

Still I look around me and I see things going good, I see a great Christian man, a successful business owner. I get to stay at home, he goes to work. I have all my needs met. The electricity is on, we are well fed, and he pays for the internet and phone. If I have a need come up he makes the financial provisions to meet that need. He keeps me in a nice house and a nice new car. It cost me nothing. (well not nothing, but nothing financially) I am thinking about walking away from that. Am I crazy, who walks away from that?

Hummmm, it does cost me though. I belong to him. He has full ownership over me. He has full control and power. I do what he says and ask no questions. He gets the right to have the ultimate say. When things are not going his way, he belittles, he gripes, nothing is ever good enough. He is rude, he is cold and calculated. He gives the impression that his aim is to harm mentally. I can’t take it. I can’t take the rude statements, the cold and calculated words. How can I love a man who can say such horrible things? How can I live in a relationship knowing that my happiness is pending? It hinges on his happiness. If he has a bad day he will make sure we all have a bad day to.

My children, our children, they fear him and they hate being belittled by him. It is not fair to them to have him always putting them down, and requesting things that they cannot deliver. His expectations are unrealistic. Yet I still feel guilty for leaving. Sometimes the kids like him. But when he is hard to get along with it is not good for them. He can treat me poorly and I am an adult, but the kids, they shouldn’t have to deal with that. When he is in a foul mood one kid hides, the other kid stays out of his way. The little one is too small to know the difference, but I think she feels like she is in the way. What kind of mother am I? I have failed my kids. I let this man treat them poorly, but on the other hand, they are kids and they can be brats. One kid does have a lazy streak, and one is spoiled, as he would say. So I’m not saying he is completely wrong, but god he can be so over the top.

I can’t believe I still can’t see what I need to do and have a peace with it. We need to separate or divorce. This is more then I can take sometimes. I want it to be over I want my life back. I don’t want to be owned. I want to be shared. I want to Share me with him, not give myself to him completely to do with as he pleases. I don’t understand what is so difficult. I don’t get why I feel so guilty, why I am struggling with this. It is a no brainer, yet here I am torn afraid to walk away. I try to rationalize. I try to weigh the pros and cons. I see the cons and they are huge. They impact me and my children. So why can’t I do this. Why can’t I take a step out on faith that this will work if I leave. Why am I paralyzed with fear to make a change? I just don’t understand.

I'm just stuck and can't seem to pull myself out of this confusing hole. I am looking for words of support, or words of wisdom or questions to think about.