So I don't really know where to turn to. I'm confused and upset. I went to a party this past weekend. It was my friends bday, I've known him for 13 years. He's like a brother to me. It was also the first party I've been to in years. After everything else going on I wanted to get out and have fun.

So I dranked and I dranked a lot. I drunk almost a whole barcardi bottle. About a cup of beer. And a shot of vodka. I was already pretty out of it but we were goofing off and I was with friends. Then my guy friend called me over and I could barely walk but he gave me three shots of vodka to take. And I did. I don't know if I drunk more after that. After that things are just in bits and pieces.

But what I'm writing about. We walked to the apartment pool and was going to try to jump the fence. I couldn't. I couldn't even stand up anymore. I don't know if he started kissing me before he jumped over or after. I ended up on the ground and I guess he crawled on me and started groping me. That part is a bit fuzzy but I didn't tell him to stop. I know he messed with my pants, he might have gave me oral, but I can't remember. He was helping me back up to go inside when I fell back again. I think. Or he layed me back down. I don't know. But he undid my pants and pulled them off. I knew what was happening but I was so out of it. I just layed there. I don't even know if my eyes were open or closed. I heard his belt and he got on me and penetrated me. I just layed there. I never fought him or said no. I just layed there like an idiot.

I don't know how long it lasted. I just know he was off of me and I was laying there with my legs sprawled open. I couldn't even register to close my legs. He helped pull my pants back up and then practically had to carry me back to his apartment. He kept saying he cares about me. Or maybe he only said it once. I passed out after that and didn't wake up till the next morning. He had layed me down in his room but I managed to go to the couch.

I have a friend who says it sounds like rape. I don't want to think that one of my best friends raped me. And I feel like it's all my fault. I should have never dranked that much. I put myself in the situation. I'm so ashamed of myself and embarrassed.

He kept texting me the next day to find out if I remembered what happened by the pool. I told him no. He just said ok nevermind.

I feel so betrayed and hurt and ashamed. And I'm all alone...