I have to be honest, I am so frustrated right now. And I'm sorry it's negative. It's thoughts I've had for a long time, about being forsaken by the psychiatric industry, after having laid myself bare to it, opened my coffers wide, trusted in the process as it was insisted in almost a cult-like chanting manner that trust was my big issue, if only I would trust in the process and let it happen. I'm sick of being the collateral damage of an industry that would sooner ignore everything that could have helped me, than be accountable to its actions where its greasy handshake with big pharma and its 50% anti-depressant success rate is concerned. Where it's a hammer, I am not a nail and I never was. And I've been paying and paying and paying, with time and money I no longer have, for the privilege of coming very near to total ruin, and blamed for it.

And of course, for me, it's just one more betrayal. Trauma at the hands of those one chooses to trust implicitly is some of the most heinously delivered. I can tell you that unequivocally. Goes right to the heart, of which I had so very little left already.

I mean, it's great that I better understand now what's been happening (now that I'm doing all the work on my own that my former psych practitioners never did), but I'm just so depleted at this point. It shouldn't be this way.

How does a person who's been practicing psychiatry for what must be 30-40 years, treat me twice a week for a year, aware that among a wide array of traumatic life events I witnessed the rape of my own sibling by my own father at the tender age of 4, that my own father twice tried to kill me, managed to permanently disfigure me.. knows I was bullied in school by students and teachers alike, but bullied even worse at home, he's aware that besides finding myself suddenly without support, without my humanity in that the people who loved me and whom I loved, my best friend and my husband both suddenly gone from this earth.. he knows I'm isolating, that I'm in a constant state of panic, sees my thousand-yard stare.. how does he not consider PTSD and instead provide endless platitude-rich talk therapy and ineffective anti-depressants? How??

Am I angry? I hope so. I need the life energy.

Adding a trigger icon just because. My sad little reality is offensive to plenty, I've learned.